This trip to Peru was not an ordinary journey. I needed to have changed something in my life, and thus I chose a retreat with ayahuasca. I knew ayahuasca as a plant, which helps people to get into our own subconscious and reprogram it. I just felt the lack of a very simple thing – happiness, and I had to do something about it.
I was settled in a small house with a roof of dry palm leaves.
There were a necessary minimum of furniture: a bed, a table, a chair. There was only mosquito net instead of the walls, and it covered my bed. It was breaking the patterns: it turns out you can live in a house without walls. It is no need: mosquito net is enough to protect you from insects in this climate. There was several such houses in the camp, but a distance between them was enough to feel a loneliness in the jungle around me.
Ayahuasca is always a mystery. You never know what to expect. All through the week nothing is happening, and then – hop! — And she passes you through the annual course of a young soldier in one night. Or, suddenly, the world became different completely then it used to be. Ayahuasca does not follow logic at all. The mind is always trying to put together a complete picture, such as today it taught me one thing, tomorrow another … And then the picture breaks – it comes that she did not teach at all, but simply moved the body to other worlds, which are slightly different from your own. But the whole point is in this tiny difference. The body gained new experience and new knowledge.
It is Night. I had drunk ayahuasca. It started to rain almost immediately. It’s raining harder and harder. The noise of droplets merges into a continuous rustling sound. The sound of rain turns into something alive. He surrounds me from all sides, presses, as if about to crush the body. I’m trying to hide. I buried my face in the pillow. I feel unbearable pressure from all sides. It’s scary. What is it? When will it end? The body is tense. I spend either minutes, or hours in such tension. Finally the rain is over.
The next day, my head is torn from questions and misunderstanding. What was that? Why? And where is the notorious training? Where are the great revelations, enlightenment, and so on?
The following Ayahuasca experience put everything in order.
Ayahuasca flows through my body, gently pushing it toward movement. I follow her. The body slowly sways and wriggles. I feel a snake in me. Or maybe I am the snake. I am dancing with ayahuasca. Flexible, strong, I catch the slightest changes in the direction of the Ayahuasca flow and move with it. A feeling of power is born inside me. It gives me power. And then the rain comes. This time he is not alone, but with the wind. They circle around me. I hesitated; some thoughts began to spin in my mind. Rain and wind had stopped. I stopped my thoughts, my attention turned to ayahuasca. She is still here. She blows the snake substance into me. I begin to wriggle again in time with ayahuasca and am filled with power. The wind and rain become harder. The stronger I get, the harder they are. And here is already raging downpour and hurricane. I get it. Weather conditions clearly correlate with my inner state. While I compare and think, the mood is leaving somewhere. Rain with the wind is leaving too. However, now I know what to do. I become a snake again and pull out my inner power. Rain and wind come back and circle around me. But there is no more room for fear. I am calm, ready to detect any changes. There is a fiery rod inside me, with flowing water around it, easily taking any form. I start dancing in the wind and rain. They wind around me, interlace me, repeat my movements, and at the same time guide them. They are alive, and they are also powerful. They got the same power as I am, but of incredible scale. We complement each other as Yin and Yang, we interpenetrate each other, absolutely identical, but still different.
The next day I felt myself different. There’s a little bit of power left in me. I am calm, on the alert, attentive to everything and at the same time indifferent. I’m stable but flexible. I’m relaxed but ready for a sharp shot.
Amazingly, I was looking for happiness, but found something completely different. It is something unknown, blowing the cold of distant stars and the heat of fire. There is no happiness in the world comparable to this dance with power. But in order to meet her again and resist this power, I must fill my life with strength which let me dance the next time again, and not to hide in the pillow.
It dusks. I have a glass of Ayahuasca in front of me. Time after time it is more difficult to drink it. Some kind of resistance, fear and something like laziness is coming. “I do not want to change, let everything remain as it is.” But overcoming this garbage is a matter of one second. I make up my mind and drink ayahuasca.
This time the world was collapsing for several hours. And this is not a euphemism. Sounds, visual objects, body feelings – everything spun, merged, ceased to make any sense, formed a funnel, and spiraled into the center. Everything disappeared in this swirl. The destruction of the world is a spectacular sight. But when I get closer to the Central point, things get worse. What will happen if nothing remains? That time the whirlpool began to spin in the opposite direction. The world took its usual form, fear receded, and then the world raced back again to the black dot in the center of the vortex, and so on and on. It is back and forth. I could not cope with fear. When the last echo was about to disappear, I clung to it scared to get stuck in a terrifying alien world.
And then … Day after day, it seemed that nothing was happening. Tired of it already is a boring house, the changeless sights around and the dull monotony. Have nothing to do. I made projects for the future and dreamed about the past. There were so many things in the past – interesting cities, fun meetings with friends, books, films and much more. Well what the hell am I doing here? Every night I met ayahuasca and went through cleansing. Sometimes it was fast; sometimes it was hard and lasted for many hours. And these white luminous lines. They were everywhere. The first time I looked at them with interest. They have not beginning nor end, straight and parallel, and at the same time assembled into bending bundles. But I got tired of them later. What is the sense of them? Why do I need these lines? After all where is the revelation, damn it!
One night I saw a baby in a cradle. Spinning colorful toys were all around. He was lying and watching them. And these were spinning, spinning… Toys were all the same, flat and plastic, but the child stared at them with enthusiasm. Suddenly, I realized that this child is me. And these toys are my whole life, and everything that happens in my head. Nah, I don’t want to live the life like this! I don’t want to be a baby staring stupidly at plastic trinkets!
The baby began to blur, and a jaguar came out of it. He jumped out of the cradle and went into the darkness. Hi is the wild beast, ready to jump at any moment – sensitive, monitoring all the space around.
I’m the Jaguar. I step softly and stealthy, leaving no footprints. I hear every rustle; I feel with my skin every breath of wind. My moves are precise and masterful. For each step, I strain just as much muscle as necessary, no more, no less. A couple of dozen steps – and I fell into joy and surprise. That’s cool; I must tell someone about it. Oops … I am a baby again lying in a cradle. When did it happen? I didn’t even notice anything. Toys are spinning, attracting attention; I follow each of them by my sight… Stop! I don’t want to be a child! Rage pulls me out of the cradle and turns me into a jaguar. This time I went more. But at some point it became boring … And now I am lying again helpless on my back and drooling. I feel rage, anger at myself and my position. Moment – and I jump out of the cradle and land softly on all fours.
Such transformations lasted a long time. If I get bored, distracted or tired – welcome to the nursery. The longer I spend there and do nothing, the more difficult to get together and get out of here. But you only have to make an effort of mind – and I’m outside already, a silent shadow prowling through the jungle at night. Ayahuasca drives knowledge into my body: you cannot lose vigilance for a second. If you just allow doubts, indecision, emotions to seize your mind, – you instantly turn into a helpless child, senselessly wasting valuable minutes of life on inaction.
From this night I began to change. I stopped waiting for a miracle from Ayahuasca. In the morning I found out that I woke up in a good mood. The first rays of the sun broke through the leaves. Birds were singing. There is no time to think and fall into depression and boredom. It’s time to live! The jaguar inside me stretched softly, flexed my muscles, and got up to greet the morning sun. I know he will always be with me now.
I was learning to live again. I learned to notice every leaf, to feel the heat of the sun and the freshness of the rain, move quickly and accurately, to reject thoughts that obscure the perception of the world around me. It was like being filled with world. I noticed some constantly changes in a small area around my house and even inside it. The trees ceased to be the same trees every day, but became huge unknown creatures living according to some unknown laws.
This time I came to Ayahuasca calm and joyful. I did not expect anything from her. I already have everything. I just wanted to thank her.
A light pleasant bliss flowed in the body. At some point, I noticed that this feeling of pleasure goes beyond my body. I began to watch for them. At first it covered 10 centimeters around the body in all directions. Then it expanded and expanded until it became infinite. The feeling has taken on the appearance of a luminous net. It connected all the elements of the world, and it was alive and moved. All creatures in the world are firmly linked to each other and each move of them changes the net. The net changes every moment and never repeats itself. We are all, every one of us, useful and important. Every fly, every person, and every flower – we all set the Universe in motion together. And at the same time, it sets us in motion. It is a structure of incredible beauty and harmony. All human ideas of good and bad seem senseless and narrow in front of that. At this level of the world there is only light and movement.
Upon returning home, at first I felt as if I had entered a different world. People were strange. Their interests seemed so far away … I could not live the way I lived before. Most of what made up my life was obsolete. I didn’t know what to do now? But it was not confusion. It was a suspense potentially opening millions of ways, and the mere knowledge of it gave me joy and enthusiasm.
Thanks to the Mariri Home of Ayahuasca team for providing the opportunity to get this wonderful experience!